dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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