My sheets look like a crime scene.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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