My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
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You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
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I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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