I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
