Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
