I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
