Sry I called you an 8
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
And then my night got REAL pukey
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
