whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
