I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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