Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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