just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
She bit a glass in half.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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