On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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