girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
