life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
