I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
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