my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
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I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
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Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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