Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Randomize
