OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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