Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
