i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
