Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
