so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
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oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
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If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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