just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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