dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Did I show you my penis last night?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
