So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
