Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
