sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
