Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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