Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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