i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
