I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
