i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.