God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
