My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
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This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
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I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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