he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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