He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
