FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
