You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
