I like my sex mixed with concussions.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
