i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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