guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
