just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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