Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
