do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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