Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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