tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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