This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
