Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
