I'll bet she douches with gravy.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
