Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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