I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
