so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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