How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Can I color on your dick again?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
