the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
