My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Randomize
