i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My ass is underappreciated
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
