I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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