You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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